Doing the "right" thing
Over the course of this decade, when faced with a choice I’ve often wondered which option is the “right” one for me. I’ve been learning that I usually think this way as an attempt to soothe my anxiety about the potential negative outcomes of my decision. In this mindset, the “right” choice is the one that has the least downsides. Even when I’m trying to maximise an outcome, focusing on what I stand to gain rather than lose, underneath I’m still trying to avoid suffering a less-then-optimal result.
This doesn’t work in the long run, because all decisions involve letting go of something. If I turn left, then I’ve declined the opportunity to have turned right. Decisions feel difficult when the options trade off between things I value; no matter what I decide, I’ll still lose something that matters. On top of that, there are all the potential negatives that I’m imagining which (upon reflection) probably won’t come to pass, but in the moment feel extremely important to account for. Personally, trying to minimise negative consequences is fraught.
Now I’m trying to improve my decision-making process by being less evaluative and more intuitive. I’ve found that there’s a kind of “right”ness that I can know without thinking. If I’m out getting a snack and I notice an opportunity to walk away without paying, I’ll still pay anyway. My decision to not steal isn’t due to the fear of the potential consequences of stealing, or the outcome of a cost-benefit analysis. In that moment paying is simply the “right” choice, and it’s a conclusion which requires no thought. If you ask me why I didn’t steal the snack, I could give you some reasons that would reveal some of my values and worldview. But the knowing came before the justification.
When I look at all the decisions I’m faced with in a day, I see that most of them have an intuitively “right” choice. But it’s not always easy to make do the “right” thing in the moment. The main difficulty is dealing with all the other things I want at the time of the decision. Suppose it’s time for lunch and I have a healthy home-cooked meal in the fridge, but I’m also craving a pizza. For me the intuitively “right” choice is to eat the home-cooked meal for lunch, but it’s hard to do that while I’m craving a pizza. I don’t exactly enjoy doing the harder thing when faced with this kind of difficulty, but I’m starting to realise that the easier alternative is a trap. At face value “doing the right thing, but it’s hard” and “doing a not-right thing, but it’s comfortable and easy” seem like they trade off equally against each other, but I’ve found that in the long run the former encourages flourishing while the latter leads to stagnation and suffering. Having noticed this, I’ve started embracing difficulty by saying to myself, “I’m not here for an easy time”. I need the strength to do the “right” thing even when it feels hard.
Another difficulty with making the “right” choice is actually recognising that there are options. From the inside, habits and routines feel choiceless. When I’m doing something habitually I’m usually not aware of alternatives, so there’s no opportunity choose the “right” one. It’s as if the choice was made some time in the past by the process that formed the habit. One way I’m working on this is by trying to be aware more often, kind of like a constant meditation. The habits still run but awareness allows me to override them when I realise something’s not “right”.
I’m also taking more time to reflect, by journaling. The next step is to ask, “What have I been taking as given, and should it be different somehow?” Intuition can provide the “right” answer to this question. Even then, there will still be possibilities I can’t conceive of alone, so a further step is to work on this question with other people. Intuition is used to judge and transform the answers other people generate.
These thoughts were inspired by the lecture Procrastination Holds You Back - YouTube.